Sake Slingerz

“21 years, 2 rings, and a quarterback room that includes a retired man.”

Two decades of the most maddening consistency in the league: 21 seasons, 2 titles (2010, 2019), 5 podiums, and an average finish sitting at the 47.5th percentile — literally, mathematically, the middle. The résumé swings wild too: a 12th-of-12 face-plant in 2014 and a last-place 2012 bookended by championship parades. Nine years passed between the 2010 crown and the 2019 one, and it's now been six more since. Good enough to hate losing to, never dominant enough to shut anybody up.

2025: 11-3, No Ring, All Vibes

The best regular season of the dynasty era by a mile: 11-3, second place in the standings, and 2,014.71 points — a 238-point jump from the 1,776.93 posted while going 7-7 and finishing 7th in 2024. Bijan Robinson and Jahmyr Gibbs in the same backfield will do that. And then, as is tradition, no trophy. The dynasty ledger reads 18-10 across two years with a titles column that still says zero. Head-to-head, the Slingerz bullied the neighborhood — 3-0 against Goffstown,USA, 3-0 against Shut Up, Mimsy!, 3-1 against Joe's Fucking Toe, 2-1 against Empire of Rebels — which is 11-2 in tracked rivalries and somehow still not enough hardware to justify the swagger.