Shut Up, Mimsy!

“Four rings, seven years of coasting on them.”

Twenty-one seasons, four titles — 2005, 2011, 2012, 2018 — which is a genuinely elite hit rate and also the entire personality of this franchise. The redraft résumé is a coin flip in cleats: a .507 average finish, six podiums, one 12th-of-12 face-plant in 2013, and a late-Yahoo skid of 10th, 11th, 10th to close the era out. Then dynasty arrived and flattened the whole thing into a plateau: 11-17, two seasons, two 8th-place finishes, zero banners. The trophy case is real. The pulse is not.

2025: 5-9, 8th Place, Same Chair as Last Year

2025 was a rerun with worse ratings. After going 6-8 and finishing 8th in 2024, the encore was 5-9 and — say it with me — 8th, with points for dropping from 1,837.13 to 1,678.28. That's a full win worse and 158.85 fewer points, which is the fantasy equivalent of remodeling a house by removing the roof. The rivalry ledger was the only flex available: 2-1 against Empire of Rebels, Joe's Fucking Toe, and Rome wasntbuiltn Odunze, all undone by a 1-2 crawl versus Come Backy Irving. Two years into dynasty and the franchise has produced exactly one number twice, which at least demonstrates consistency of vision. Seven seasons now since the 2018 title, and the roster still has Tank Dell on it because letting go is hard.