Empire of Rebels

“18 seasons of finding out, one season of knowing.”

Nineteen seasons since 2007, one trophy, and a career finish percentile of .515 — which is math's way of saying "present." The 2013 title as New Chip Same Grit was real, and it bought a lifetime of talking rights that have since been financed entirely on credit. Four podiums, sure. But also 12th-place finishes in 2020 and 2022, dead last in 2011, and a name change nearly every year like a franchise in witness protection. The Empire has rebels. It does not have a plan.

2025: Back-to-Back 11th: The Empire Strikes Out Again

Year two of dynasty life produced the exact same address as year one: 11th place, 5-9, roughly one usable Sunday a month. The improvement over 2024's 4-10 came with a twist — Empire of Rebels scored 1,611.26 points after putting up 1,739.29 the year before. That's 128 fewer points and one more win, which means the only thing standing between this roster and contention was the roster. Two dynasty seasons now sit at 9-19 with 3,350.55 points and zero playoff appearances. The head-to-head ledger is its own art piece: 1-2 against AMoldavan, 1-2 against Nubz-n-Doobz, 1-2 against Sake Slingerz, 1-2 against Shut Up, Mimsy! — four rivalries, four identical losing records, one man who has achieved perfectly uniform mediocrity in every direction at once.